This guide is applicable to anyone looking for a dress to wear to a particular event, so long as that person is me. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life because that’s rude.
In fairness, this is my Step One for everything. Find a sexy song to pump yourself up. The journey ahead will be long, thankless, and very likely fruitless.
2. Know what you need.
Black, white, or some combination of those options. Really look for something in ivory because you broke your loving mother’s heart by putting blue bits in your hair that won’t be gone in time for the ceremony, and she thinks you would look just beautiful with something cream or ivory by your face.
Do not even think about saying you’ll wear something from work just because the color requirements are the same.
Shame on you.
Everybody loves an informed consumer. Taking a little time to window shop in your jimjams will give you plenty of time to fall in love with a dress that is so far out of your price range that the Curiosity rover wears it while taking soil samples.
There it is.
4. Know your limits.
Three hours is more than enough time to compose a new rant on the plague of consumerism.
You got paid yesterday, but remember that you’d like to move out in the nearish future. Put your check in the bank and root around for those birthday giftcards for a set of companies whose ethics you don’t love–bonus points if you had a conversation with a friend about them not twenty-four hours earlier.
5. Get in The Zone.
Don’t clothes made for manic pixie dream girls who frequent the stores you’re in usually fail to take mammary glands into account?
Won’t the quarterback shoulders you were born with attempt to ruin chiffon and femininity for everyone?
NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
Grab what fits your criteria, and put on blinders to the draw of maroon longline bras and the withering glances of the other customers. You are unstoppable on your way to the fitting room, so long as there’s not an item limit.
6. Second. Opinion.
Hate it or love it, try to get another perspective, even if you’re shopping alone. In this case, you probably don’t care about anything either way, but there’s a sale going on, so that acts in the favor of whatever you’re wearing. Text stiff, uncomfortable images to your previously mentioned loving mother.
She won’t like anything either.
7. Look at your life, look at your choices.
You’ve been in a lot of stores and touched a lot of things. So many things. You’re going to return that dress you bought because it doesn’t make sense. The bottom half is pink; what were you thinking? Just go into one more store, get some fish tacos, Skype your friend, and call it a day.
8. Find a dress!
Congratulations! All the touching and texting has paid off. Make sure you didn’t lose your receipts.