Ultimate Last-Minute Gift Guide

No, they won’t arrive in time to be opened on Christmas morning, but these thoughtful little nuggets of cheer will ensure that you’ll never have to worry about giving gifts again. Prepare to outdo yourself.

1. Coal

Has somebody been naughty? Coal. Old flame back in town? Coal. Artist who needs to get back to basics? Coal. Fair-weather environmentalist? Coal.

Nothing cutesy about it. No chocolate inside a convincing wrapper or a real gift hidden somewhere else–just a hunk of the black stuff. Offer no explanation. Better yet, chuck it down their chimney and call it a day.

2. Heavenly Bodies
By Maskull Lasserre

These exquisitely spooky pieces by Maskull Lasserre add life (and death) to everyday objects. While anyone can appreciate the false functionality of these items, it’s best to install them in the homes of families with children when they’re staying overnight with relatives. Watching all notions of reality unravel in the eyes of a child when they return is the gift that keeps on giving.

3. Heavy Reading

The Catcher in the Rye, 2011 - Alexis Arnold

Any of the crystallized books by Alexis Arnold will serve as a beautiful dead fish for the Luca Brasi that borrowed your illustrated copy of The Divine Comedy before e-readers hit the scene.

4. A Cow

Most Beautiful Cow Ever

The recipients might giggle and think you’ve added their name to an Oxfam charity animal, but they’ll stop when they realized that you’ve bought them this actual cow in addition. Daisy here is to remind them every day with her beauty that they are aging poorly and contribute nothing to the dairy industry.

Now hop to it–Mother Mary’s having labor pains!

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